i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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