No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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