Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
