Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Randomize
