Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
