It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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