All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Panties = found
Randomize
