Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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