kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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