Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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