Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
