he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
