Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
