someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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