so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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