Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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