My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I want a musical about memes.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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