You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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