You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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