I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
