I think i sorta joined a cult last night
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
