Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
