i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
