I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
last night I used snow as a chaser
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
