oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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