I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
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