You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
