I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
