I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
