I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
