You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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