I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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