I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
