Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you had me at cake vodka
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
