Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
