You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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