Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
So here I am, sexting at work.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
