Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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