Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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