Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I woke up under a house in Key West
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