I'm so fucking centered right now
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
