Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
