If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
