why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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