this just has baby written all over it
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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