i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
