I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Found your dick twin last night
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
