last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
