Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
