I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
