Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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