I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
