Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
