let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
