Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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